If you’ve ever considered living with your significant other, you’ve no doubt encountered strong (dare I say, strident) views from both ends of the spectrum. In one corner, you have a group that asserts that the two of you—and, by extension, your relationship—are frivolous and that you are doomed—DOOOOOOOOMED—to split up in a dramatic explosion that could even require legal intervention. In the opposite corner, you have a group that insists that NOT living together prior to marriage spells all the DOOOOOOOOM listed above.

No matter how you cut it, both groups are wrong; not regarding individual cases, but in their blanket assertion that there’s only one right way to live life, and that there’s something you can do to guarantee expected results.
I’m here to tell you that if you want a guarantee in life then you should purchase one with your next refrigerator. The gloriously messy thing known as “human relationships,” both the romantic and the platonic ones, is simply impossible to insure. The best you can do is ask good questions, keep your eyes open, think critically, and make an informed choice.

All of this brings us to my topic: things you need to consider before ever moving in with a significant other. You’ll note that I try to be as gender-neutral as possible, as everything I have to say applies equally to men and women. Also, I will not cover moral issues, but not because I think that they’re irrelevant. Quite the opposite in fact, but such points are beyond the scope of this article. Here, I will simply cover the secular, everyday considerations you must consider before moving in with your partner.

Why do you want to move in together? I warn you, living with your significant other simply to escape a bad living situation or save money is NOT a good idea. That’s what platonic friends are for; they’re called “roommates.”

What does living together mean to you? Wanna see a relationship go up in flames? Imagine the following scenario: a couple moves in together. Partner A thinks, “Great--this is a step towards marriage!” Partner B thinks, “Great--now s/he will shut up about marriage!” Don’t kid yourself; it’s not always the woman pushing to tie the knot.

Does this person have good character? It’s sad that discussions about “good character” have taken such a downturn that they’re most often held in kindergarten classrooms or scrawled on bumper stickers. Ultimately, you don’t want to live with someone who lacks integrity or basic human decency. Remember, by living in the same house you are giving this person free reign to all of your possessions including your bank information and credit cards, not to mention you, your children (if you have any), and your pets. Don’t be so eager to move in together that you take on someone who will destroy your finances, or endanger your life or the lives for which you are responsible.

Do you two have a game-plan regarding how you’ll divvy up the chores, finances, etc.? I can’t think of anything that will kill a relationship more quickly than feeling like someone’s housekeeper/ATM. You don’t need to carve every detail into stone tablets, but you should form a general plan prior to moving a single box. Beware the person who accuses you of being distrustful and mutters something about “working it out later.” That’s someone who’s trying to snow you over.

Don’t ignore the law--it won’t ignore you. I am perpetually amazed by the people who ignore Uncle Sam and have the nerve to act shocked when faced with the repercussions. What are the repercussions for any children born in your relationship? How does the law view your individual and joint properties, or acknowledge your right to make decisions for an incapacitated live-in lover? Don’t move in together until you know the answers and can deal with the consequences.

Are you willing to risk all of the pain of divorce with none of the benefits? I know, “benefits” to a divorce? But consider; married couples who divorce—the ones who literally pick the house apart item by item, and split the kid’s custody like mathematicians cutting up an apple pie—have legal protection and social support that couples who live together can only dream of. Imagine reenacting a divorce with spotty legal support, loosing much of your stuff and having little hope of getting it back without risking a protracted legal battle that could cost more than the stuff in question. Maybe throw in a kid or two that you can’t keep from the other parent, much as you’d like to do so. Then, when you complain, your listener sort of glazes over and says, “Well yes, that’s rough. But at least you didn’t marry the bum!”

Ultimately, I’m neither pro or against living together prior to marriage, but I AM against naiveté disguised as wishful thinking. Remember, for most people, the point to dating is to have fun and potentially find a spouse. Living together prior to marriage short-circuits the process; you aren’t married, but you aren’t really single either. That can be an uncomfortable gray area, and a risky place to take your relationship. Get to know your partner, ask good questions, and pay attention to what’s actually there in front of your face, not what you want to see. Don’t risk your future happiness because you’re too lazy to do your homework now.

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